Bordeaux Housewives Read online

  A horrible story. Another horrible story. Awful. Terrible. Unimaginable. Sometimes we forget how lucky we are. We do. But anyway. It’s second on the left. After the traffic lights…Except on this occasion Maude happened to know the hospital. She knew the midwife.

  A small world. That’s what changed everything.

  It cast a pall over the birthday celebrations. Horatio had booked a table at a restaurant in Soho with a Michelin star. It was cripplingly expensive, and neither he nor Maude would have fully appreciated it even at the best of times, but he loved her. He wanted her to feel spoilt. They sat facing each other over the crisp white linen tablecloth, and chewed on their food without tasting it. The minicab driver and his wife had reminded the Haunts of a world they had allowed themselves to forget. It reminded them of their past, of how they used to be, how much they used to care about these things. Anyway, they didn’t bother with pudding.

  And then, back at home, when they both assumed the other was in the bathroom brushing teeth, or downstairs locking robbers out, they bumped into each other in the loft; both, so it happened, in search of the same thing. By the time Horatio appeared Maude already had it in her hands.

  CERTIFICATE OF BIRTH

  Name and Surname Superman Huckleberry

  Dorian Philip HAUNT

  ‘Ahhh,’ said Horatio contentedly. ‘Great minds…’

  ‘Exactly,’ Maude replied. ‘Don’t you think we can help?’

  ‘If they’ll allow us.’

  ‘They’ve got nothing to lose.’

  ‘No. Not really. But he seemed like a nice guy. I mean, honest. Didn’t he? He might feel bad. Wrong, I mean. Getting involved in fraud.’

  ‘We could give them new identities,’ she said. ‘A chance for a fresh start.’

  He took the certificate from her, held it up to the light.

  ‘…Just a couple of pieces of paper,’ he muttered. ‘It’s not much, is it?’

  ‘You kept their telephone number, didn’t you?’

  He smiled. ‘Of course I did.’

  FINDING THE WAY

  It was surprisingly easy. Maude and Horatio searched the Internet.

  They found books for sale on Amazon with titles like DIY Documents and How to Make a Passport on your Home Computer. They even found a training course: ‘WANT A NEW IDENTITY? CLICK HERE!’ After that, they upgraded their computers and their printers, exchanged their sheet-fed scanner for a flatbed, downloaded the necessary computer programmes, mostly illegally, and set to work. Every evening for about a month, after putting the children to bed, they climbed up to the office in the loft and honed their skills.

  The copies they made, after numerous false starts, were good. Five British passports; five birth certificates; two new National Insurance cards. The minicab driver, Doctor Ahmed Hussein Mohammed Islam, and his wife Fawzia might never quite work as medical professionals inside Europe – the documents couldn’t help them do that. But at least they could work. At least they could be allowed to exist again.

  In fact they did more than exist. The doctor started his own driving school, which has grown steadily ever since. His instructors’ cars, with their distinctive logos (incidentally designed by the Haunts), are hard to miss around London nowadays, and he’s considering opening another school in Manchester. Meanwhile his wife volunteered as an unpaid ‘Listener’ for a large private charity, offering tea, soup, ping pong and advice to asylum seekers from all over the world.

  A happy ending. Or beginning. These days, of course, the Haunt counterfeiting rescue system is much more streamlined. They act less on conversations with random minicab drivers, more on specific, well-planned and highly secretive commissions from Fawzia, the wife. Fawzia, as a Listener, hears hundreds of immigrants’ tales every day; many of them truly tragic, some less so, some very obviously made-up. She only refers the most desperate, hopeless, unjust cases to Maude and Horatio. And even then, occasionally – very occasionally – Maude and Horatio will hear a person’s story and decline to help. It’s a small, compassionate and, on the whole, an efficient operation. Even Fawzia’s bosses at the charity have no idea what goes on.

  Maude and Horatio, it’s important to realise, are not political people. They simply understand that whatever bureaucratic system for immigration is in place – be it too harsh or not harsh enough, or corrupt or simply incompetent – there will always be individuals in genuine, desperate need of help. Help which, for the time being at least, Maude and Horatio are willing and able to provide.

  The Haunts refused to accept payment for that first good deed – and they still do, for similar assignments. But often, when the people they’ve helped are back on their feet, they send them money anyway. Sometimes quite a lot of it. Fawzia’s husband sent them £100,000 two years ago. They opened a numbered bank account in the Cayman Islands where they now have a back-up Family Fund, which grows in ungainly fits and starts, and which has recently topped £130,000. Much less than the value of a terraced house in Brixton, or a long, white cottage with a swimming pool in southwest France, but enough, at least, to start again, should the need arise. The Haunt parents understand the nature of their work means that one day they and their children will probably have to disappear themselves. Drop everything and go. But they have the money saved. They have alternative IDs ready and waiting. Actually, they have several of them.

  CATCHING JELLYFISH

  Late last summer on the beach at St Palais-sur-Mer, Superman and Tiffany were tipping plastic buckets of seawater into a rubber dingy, when Tiffany suddenly let rip with a horrible scream. Swirling around inside the dingy was a live jellyfish: they must have scooped it up by mistake.

  ‘Do you think we should warn people?’ Tiffany said, staring at it. ‘There must be hundreds of jellyfish out there. People are going to get stung.’

  ‘How do you know?’ asked Superman, taking his plastic spade and giving the jellyfish a whack.

  ‘Stop it!’ Tiffany yelled at him. ‘You’ll hurt her.’

  He did it again.

  At which point a monumental fight ensued, ending when both children somehow got sand in their eyes and Maude, fed up with all the noise, scooped the jellyfish into a bucket and released it back out to sea.

  The children have never forgiven her for it. They had, they said, grown to love that jellyfish, and nothing, except possibly another one, would ever fill the void. Hence the outing today. It has taken the Haunt parents almost nine months to get around to it.

  The beach at St Palais-sur-Mer is more or less empty, in spite of it being such a lovely day. But the task they have set themselves turns out to be more difficult than they had all imagined. Live jellyfish don’t often float into children’s plastic buckets, it turns out. They don’t even seem to float nearby.

  ‘You should never have let that one go, Mum,’ says Superman, scowling at her. He’s said it about once a minute ever since the outing began. After an hour of fruitless searching the Haunts are beginning to feel hot and hungry, and though Tiffany is being surprisingly stoical, Superman is close to tears. ‘You should never have let that one go, Mum,’ he says once again. ‘How could you do it?’

  ‘I’m sorry, darling,’ Maude says automatically. ‘Right, then. Who feels like some lunch?’

  ‘That poor jellyfish probably really wanted to come home with us,’ moans Superman. ‘And now he’s out there, floating about. He’s probably still looking for us.’ At the thought of that – of his jellyfish, lost and lonely, floating about – Superman’s eyes once again begin to fill with tears.

  ‘Look out, Dad!’ screams Tiffany suddenly, pointing at something just in front of Horatio’s foot.

  There on the sand lies the largest jellyfish any Haunt has ever before set eyes on. It’s the size of a serving plate, with the contents of its stomach quite visible through its transparent skin, and around it a very distinct aura of death. Horatio gives the jellyfish a nudge with his trainer. Nothing. No movement at all.

  ‘It’s dead,’ Horatio an
nounces.

  Superman whimpers first, then he fills his lungs and lets out an almighty wail. ‘You killed it!’ he cries. ‘You killed it! How could you do that? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HIM?’

  EATING MOULES

  Superman says he can’t eat moules today because it will remind him of all the lonely and dead jellyfish he has learned to love on the beach at St Palais. He and Tiffany insist on a full portion of frites each to make up for the disappointment, and after that, once their orders are placed and they’re all feeling a little more settled, and they’re at their favourite table overlooking the beach and the sea breeze is drifting through the restaurant’s large, open windows, and the children have their Orangina and the adults their carafe of deliciously cool, pink wine, Tiffany mentions, quite casually, that when she and Superman dropped off Jean Baptiste’s papers this morning, he was accompanied by a strange man. With a clipboard.

  ‘He was?’ says Maude airily, still very much in Paradise zone. ‘Seriously, because poor Jean Baptiste. He’s so often alone. I’m just happy he’s got people calling…Ooh. Hot gossip everyone,’ she adds, suddenly perking up. There is a hint of pride in her voice, ‘hot gossip’ being one of the things the Haunt adults tend to miss out on in their new French life. The nature of their work – and their natural preference for a quiet and private life – means the Haunt parents don’t socialise much, not with the local English nor even the French. What little gossip that does reach them usually comes, somewhat garbled, via the children, whose merry, independent social lives (pedal-powered, mostly) are unrelenting, and a marked contrast to that of their parents. ‘Madame Martinet in the boulangerie told me an English woman put in a bid for the Hotel Marronnier. At last! And she’s quite glamorous, apparently. Maybe Jean Baptiste could tear himself away from Mr Clipboard and fall in love with her…Be nice, though, wouldn’t it? Little bit of interracial love-making, to help the European Project along…’

  The rundown Hotel Marronnier in Montmaur is the only hotel or bar in the Haunts’ local village. It is picturesque – absurdly so – with a little stone terrace shaded by lime trees at the front, and a view looking out over the square and the tiny Norman church opposite. The place has been up for sale since long before the Haunts arrived in the area. Because, though numerous buyers have sniffed around it (most, if not all of them, English), the initial elation at its storybook prettiness fades immediately, after even the most feeble of rosy-coloured investigations into its books. It needs money spending on it, and it’s been running at a loss for years.

  ‘…Don’t you think, Heck?’ Maude asks him. ‘Or perhaps it’s still too soon for Jean Baptiste to find someone new…’

  But Horatio isn’t listening. He’s more concerned about the man with the clipboard. ‘Tiffany,’ he says slightly irritably, ‘why didn’t you mention it before?’

  ‘Don’t worry, Dad. It was only the stupid old pétard,’ Superman says carelessly. ‘I told Tiffie not to worry but she can be quite silly sometimes. Also, Tiffie, I’m pretty sure he did another stinker while we were talking to him. Did you notice?’

  ‘No, he didn’t,’ Tiffie says.

  ‘Did he know who you both were?’ asks Horatio, keen to stick to the point.

  ‘Superman told him, but I think he knew already. In fact Superman was brilliant.’

  ‘I WAS NOT!’

  She ignores him. ‘Superman distracted him while I handed over the papers. So he probably didn’t even notice.’

  Maude wrenches her mind from enjoyable images of Jean Baptiste helping along the European Project. She too, finally, has sniffed danger. She and Horatio glance at each other nervously. ‘…What did he look like, Tiffie?’ Maude asks.

  ‘Very, very handsome,’ replies Superman, randomly.

  ‘Well – he wasn’t exactly handsome,’ Tiffany disagrees. ‘If you don’t mind me saying, Superman. He was sort of fat. He had a sort of wobbly fat face and a lot of sweat in the crinkles under his chin. And he had greasy hair sort of stuck over his head and he also had these weird teeny-tiny feet.’ She chortles. ‘I thought he probably spent all the time falling over.’

  ‘Age?’ asks Horatio.

  ‘Old. Kind of like Granny.’

  Maude and Horatio consider these new details carefully. ‘Hm,’ Horatio says. ‘And you say he looked like he was there on business? But you think he didn’t notice you handing over the papers?’

  ‘Of course not,’ Superman and Tiffany say at once.

  The family fall silent while the waiter delivers their moules frites, putting the third bowl – since Superman had insisted he wanted frites and frites alone – directly in front of Tiffany.

  ‘That’s really unfair,’ Superman moans, eyeing her bowl. ‘Actually, can I have a pizza?’

  ‘Et un pizza, s’il vous plaît,’ Maude says briskly, before Horatio has time to make a fuss.

  ‘Honestly Maude,’ Horatio frowns. ‘Would you give him a line of cocaine if he happened to ask for it?’

  Maude doesn’t bother to reply. She watches while the waiter leaves, takes the usual care not to speak until he’s out of earshot. ‘What do you mean, Superman, the pétard?‘

  ‘The farter.’

  ‘I know what it means. I mean why do you call him “the pétard”? Have you seen him before?’

  ‘Of course we have! You remember! In the shop.’

  ‘Ah!’ says Horatio, light dawning, wiping cream sauce from his chin. ‘I know who he’s talking about. The farter! In the shop! Monsieur – Monsieur – What’s his name? Superman’s quite right. We bumped into him in the Co-op. And the children couldn’t stop laughing…You must remember, Maude!…Monsieur Bertinard!’ he says triumphantly. ‘Voilà! Olivier Bertinard.’

  ‘Ohhhh!’ Light dawns for Maude, too. ‘Him!’ She grimaces. ‘Gosh, he’s an awful man. But he’s not répression. Thank God. He lives in that wonderful house opposite Hotel Marronnier. We wanted to buy it, do you remember? Except it wasn’t for sale.’

  ‘That’s the one,’ Horatio nods. ‘He’s just retired so he’s got nothing to keep him from poking his nose where it doesn’t belong. And no, he’s not from répression,’ Horatio adds, slurping another moule into his mouth, ‘but he is about to take over from François Bourse next week. When the village elects its new mayor…’

  ‘I do wish François could be persuaded to stay,’ Maude sighs, and Horatio shoots her a look.

  ‘I’m sure you do.’

  ‘For God’s sake, Heck. He’s at least fifteen years older than I am.’

  ‘…So I’m assuming’, Horatio continues evenly, ‘that Monsieur Bertinard was out canvassing.’ He glances at Tiffany. ‘Sucking up to people,’ he explains. ‘To make sure they vote for him on Tuesday, or whenever the election is.’

  ‘Well he wasn’t sucking up to us,’ Tiffany says. ‘He hated us.’

  ‘That’s probably because you can’t vote, my angel. Any more than we can…’ It is one of many small costs of living life as an outlaw and an outsider; one of the few that might annoy him and Maude if they allowed it to. He scowls suddenly. ‘What d’you think, Tiff?’ he asks her abruptly. ‘Do you think he was suspicious?’

  Under the table Maude delivers a not-very-gentle kick.

  ‘Ouch! Bloody hell, Maudie –’

  ‘Suspicious of what, Heck? Nobody’s done anything wrong!’

  ‘Oh, no. No, of course not,’ Horatio says. ‘Of course not. Absolutely right. So…’ A short silence falls, and a moment of gloom in Paradise, possibly even of a little fear for Maude and Horatio. There is so much at stake – not just for the people they help but for themselves and their children. There’s barely a day that passes when they don’t re-evaluate what they do. Barely a day. Sometimes they both decide they’ll give it all up, open a bed and breakfast for real, like the other expats, or start that organic vegetable stall they’ve been talking about for so long. Sometimes it seems so straightforward; so incredibly tempting. But then along comes another e-mail from Fawzia, another t
ale of misery, torture, terror, of someone’s existence hanging by a thread…and Maude and Horatio find that they simply cannot turn away…

  ‘You know the new English girl?’ Superman demands suddenly, breaking through the silence, surprising everyone, once again, by how much he takes in: ‘I mean the one who’s buying the hotel?’

  ‘Who might be buying the Marronnier?’ asks Maude.

  ‘That one,’ he agrees. ‘Elle a les cheveux d’une sirène.’

  Maude smiles, ruffles his small head. She loves the way her children are so at home in the French world around them; the way they flip from one language to the other. It makes her proud. She wishes she could do it so effortlessly. ‘Hair like a mermaid, Superman? How lovely!’

  Superman nods. ‘Like this,’ he says, indicating a cropped bob. ‘Lovely and yellow. Anyway, that’s what my girlfriend said.’

  It’s while they’re driving back to the cottage after lunch, the children asleep on the back seat and Maude wriggling inside her white linen skirt, trying to make room for all the children’s profiteroles she ate, that she suddenly remembers another piece of news, one which she’d unconsciously put to the back of her mind for almost a week now. Horatio is not going to be happy about it, and she doesn’t really blame him. She’s not happy either.

  ‘Oh Heck, I forgot to mention,’ she begins, as if it were quite trivial. ‘Not brilliant news, I’m afraid. But the children will be pleased…Which, you know – before you go mad, just, please, bear in mind…And I mean, at some point we were going to have to make the house properly visitor-proof. With the children’s friends getting older. Plus there are so many people who, really, I don’t think we can put off having to stay any longer. So –’